Olympic Categories for Millennials
Touching Someone Else’s Cat
Contestants judged on: Squat form; slow blinking; enunciation of “pspspsps.”
Purchasing First Home
Contestants judged on: Zillow scroll speed; time from zero to group texting seven friends asking if they would like to build a commune; weeping.
Anxiety
Contestants judged on: Time from zero to discovering Kaiser does not cover nor believe in the concept of talk therapy; distance of voice carriage while screaming, “why can’t I just remember to refill my prescription”; sleeping.
Getting Your Dad to Go to Therapy
Contestants judged on: Speed; empathy; ability to convey the concept of, but under no circumstances explicitly say the words, “generational trauma.”
Social Media
Contestants judged on: Still calling it Twitter; intricacy and variety of movements while stalking ex-partner’s Instagram; artistic merit of speech opining how much you miss Facebook.
Nostalgia
Contestants judged on: Slap bracelet application; ability to maintain eye contact with a member of Gen Z while stating, “the prequels sucked;” recitation of every line uttered by Batty Coda in Fern Gully.
Witchcraft
Contestants judged on: Ability to light a novena candle with a bic lighter; enunciation of the phrase, “I’m not religious, just spiritual;” time from zero to bringing up cultural appropriation.
Having Children
Contestants judged on: Everything.
Not Having Children
Contestants judged on: Everything.
DEI Training
Contestants judged on: mouse activity; ability to make eye contact with Karen after she cried her way through the entire Listening Session; ability to convince the head of HR you believe this is really about inclusion, not lawsuits.
Home Decor
Contestants judged on: Quantity of Rae Dunn jars; sturdiness of Ikea furniture; speed at which judges understand how much you enjoy coffee and/or wine.
Lactose Intolerance
Contestants judged on: Ability to convey to friends that this is serious; ability to convey to friends that you need stadium nachos.
Debt
Contestants judged on: Ability to find free financial advice on Youtube; inability to act on it.
Fashion
Contestants judged on: Layering of cami tanks; ballet flat technical performance; ability to sit in the same room as a pair of low rise jeans.
Snoop Dog Appreciation
Contestants judged on: Quantity of “19 Crimes” wine bottles in possession on any random home visit; recitation of affirmations from the children’s show Doggyland; Quality of apology obtained from parents for not letting you buy Tha Last Meal in 2000 because it was “a bad influence.”
Getting Hate From Every Other Generation
Contestants judged on: Originality of self-deprecating memes; time from zero to shouting, “it’s not my fault I’ve lived through three economic collapses;” ratio of therapy bills to net income.
